Sunday, November 26, 2006
the lord jesus christ has it all planned... he send ST. Cecilia to bring my ah ma back to him...
22rd Nov is the feast day for St Cecila in the cathoic calendar... my granny name is Cecilia...
Lord.. you had it all planned for my ah ma...
St. CeciliaThird Century
Feastday: November 22
http://www.catholic.org/saints/saint.php?saint_id=34
the story of st cecilia is as above...
I
scribbled at ;; 10:43 PM
22nov 3.55am... margie came to my room cryin.. without a second thought... i rushed out... but it was all too late..my granny has breathe her last... i knelt down beside her... cried and said a small prayer askin god to take care of her....
my mum tearfully called all her bros and sisters to come to my place now... all my uncles and aunts voices all are shaken... they rushed in their fastest mode... all reached here within half an hour... i was alone in the kitchen cryin.. margie came and consoled me... but end up cryin as well.. my mum came and ask us to stop cryin... and help her with the bits and pieces of ah ma after death things...
the doc.. and the head of the St Joseph Dying Aid Assoc (SJDAA) came at 7am to certified ah ma death... after which my bro went to the police station and do the procedure... SJDAA already start to setup all the things at my opp blk for my ah ma.. i went to the town council with my uncle to pay for the rental for the void deck... tryin to confirm the actual date for my ah ma final departure date... mr teo who is the contact for SJDAA is doin all the contact for me... call the church... the priest... the prayer group...the newspaper obituries... everythings...
SJDAA came and collect my ah ma body around 8am... around 11.3oam... ah ma is back in her "Big House"... all knelt down in tears when she came back... all went and take a look... thanks to the SJDAA who did a good jobs in her final look... she looked peaceful...
as clocks ticked by... all my rest of my cousins...came in one by one... they all went to my mum askin her what to do and ask her to rest.. leave the rest for them to do... i stayed up everynight at the wake with my cousins... spend the night talkin... i can say it was a good family gatherin... i can say my ah ma will be happy if she see us this way...
ah ma frens and relatives... my frens and colleague came as well... my relatives' frens came also... everynights was filled with people... my ah ma will be happy to see such turnout.. prayer's group came and pray for her in teochew... my god ma also came and pray for her in english...
margie cried almost everyday when she went and wipe the "Big House"... i have to go in and console her... my mum cried and fainted every teochew prayer for my ah ma....i have to be with her everysession... supportin her... i have to control my tears... to be strong for my ah ma...
ah ma final journey is to the church.. she was pushed in by all the grandsons, then out by all grand daughters... everyone of us placed in white roses before she is covered up at our place. my mum and my aunts condition were uncontrollable... we have to be with them all the while... esp when reached mandai there...
25 Nov 11.15am... ah ma is gone forever... everybody cried... includin me... i missed my ah ma... terribly... afterwhich all of us went back to my place... have a family lunch... then at around 2.30pm... we all went back to the mandai ash collection centre to collect ah ma remaining... all of us put in 10cents inside the urn... and put one piece of ah ma remains inside the urn... then my uncle carried ah ma urn to IHM church to place ah ma in her final restin place... she like church... and it's nearby all of our place... she will be in peace...
i came home sick after tat... got a fever... and flu... then took a long sleep till next day morning...
i hereby here wished to thanks to all my frens for their condolences... supports...concern and encouragment for most difficult period... without all of you... i not sure if i am able to hold on...
Dear Lord,
i know my ah ma is in your right hand of yours... she is blessed and be merciful to her....
"God will put his angels in charge of you to protect you wherever you go"
Psalms 9I:II
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scribbled at ;; 11:36 AM
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
Dear Frens,
my ah ma has found eternal peace.....
Catz
I
scribbled at ;; 5:16 AM
Monday, November 20, 2006
oh man... been feelin the stress for the past few weeks... the worries for my ah ma constantly.. sch work... work... everything seem to drop on me at one shot... sometimes why is God is so cruel.. but on the other perception and point... i thank him for giving me frens who are there to encourage me always... you know who u are... Donna, Gin, Ah Choi... without all your extra dose of encouragement... i not sure i can hold on during the past difficult times...
managed to complete another of my sch assisgnment... phew!! sch ended at around 9plus... was veri hungry... decided to go and buy instant mee for dinner... hungry!!! while walkin to the MRT, i felt giddy... sat down for a while... been feelin giddy easily... i have past history of low blood pressure... hope is not comin again... but i know i really not feelin tat well recently... tat why i have the habit of carrying tiger balm in my bag all the time... in case of emergency...
came home around near 11pm le... went and see my ah ma... she is sleepin but her breathing is very heavy... i can see that she is fighting for every sec.. minute of her life... the nurse came today.. my maid said that her wound still remain the same... and blood is coming out from her mouth again... Lord... pls bless her...
stocktake is comin... in preparation already... busy... busy... need to get back my health before i fight on... arghhhh....
been listening to songs on my ipod most of the times... it help me to relax and not to be so tense... must learn to relax my mind... even when i asleep... it keep thinkin of sch..work..ah ma..
<<<<
I
scribbled at ;; 11:24 PM
Finally ah ma is back home... i can see she is more happy than before... and i am too... my smile is back...
Last Night my mum cousin came and visit my ah ma... and the living hall is damn noisy.. my maid ask me is talking loud a trait mark in my family... and i told her "YES"... it runs in the family... WE are Loud People...keke
Was on leave for the past few days... but was busy with my granny... school... no time for fun at all... i was also in my room most of the time... tidy up my room.. amazing!! found lots of old pics and my David Tao CD is missing... damn... who took it... must be the brat next door... idoit!!
Can't wait for upcoming stocktake to ends... exam to ends too... wanna spend X'mas ... but with who... i really need to clear some thoughts out from me...
I has not talked to Vincent for more than 2 months... dun know wat's wrong with me... but i like ignoring most people around me... except for the veri few...
wanna ask myself this qn... will Drinkin bring ya TRUE frens? i wonder.... wanna find the answer... sometimes is better to be alone...
when the drinkin days ends... the frenship ends as well... haix!!!
used to have lots of msg askin how am i... where to go later and sort of... but when i stop the hay days... the msg and hangin out ends as well...
But well... this is life... people change...
Back to sch work now...
I
scribbled at ;; 12:17 AM
Friday, November 17, 2006
gotta the news yesterday tat my ah ma can go home today... but later in the evening... we discover blood drippin from her mouth... and blood comin out from her nose tube... how comecan go home? the doc say is to let her go home and spend her remaining days with us.. there is nothin they can do already... her wound still can't be healed.... her pulse gettin weaker till the trainee nurse have to check her pulse manually...
i spend the whole day at the hospital wiping her blood from her mouth and holdin her hand... i guess tat the best i can do for her... i been keepin quiet ... very quiet unlike my mum who been preparin everythin for ah ma...
she went and collect all the family member names and other contacts in case ah ma passed on... never think of such things... all i been doin is pray and keep her safe from pain...
my dad sent us home from hospital after tat... we sat behind the lorry... suddendly a small butterfly flew and stay on my aunt head... my aunt asked wat is tat... i say butterfly la.. my mum and aunt gettin cranky again... she say is bad sign...hiax!
then my mum told us how my grandpa passed on 24 years ago... he was in hospital ready to go home and even asked my mum to brew barley water for him... then early morning tat day... while my mum is preparin to bring barley water to him.. the hospital called and say "he's gone"...
my mum told me she cried all the way to the hospital with the barley water in her hands...
my grandpa never get to drink at all...
it could be the reason why my mum is gettin cranky... she told me on wed night..when my small cousin meiling went and visit ah ma late at night... my ah ma cried veri loud... she never cried so loud before... wonder why?
ah ma suppose to go home at around 1pm from TTS... but the doc haven check on her yet so have to delay till late afternoon... i went home first as i need to settle something... my mum called again and say the doc is going to give ah ma a jet to give her more energy but they could not find any vein in ah ma... therefore no jet is given... and the doc said ah ma body is pretty useless already... i guess i could only pray for her relieve...
ah ma hated hospial... maybe she doesn;t want to let go in hospital... my mum said...
sometimes dun know wan to be angry with her or not... but ah ma also her mum... i think she also dun wan to say such things...
my colleague borrow me one catholic book titled " shall i walk you home"... is a book tellin how to let go ...esp your closed one....
waitin for her to come home...ah ma...
I
scribbled at ;; 3:37 PM
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
today been a bad day... damn!! Did not get to visit my granny today as due to work...
Yes... work really pissed me off today... a new security dept head in my company question me some procedure which i been doing for donkey years... the worst part is when he ask me question... question me like a criminal.. ask for my add and ic.. wat the fuck.. i already in low... bad mood for the past one week... i am toleratin his rubbish... damn it!! he say by puttin free gifts in the store or storage is a open opportunity for my staff to steal... damn him... if the staff wan to steal thing... every single things on the sales floor is a open opportunity for them to steal... brainless! Use your brain to think before you open your damn mouth to talk...
I am so pissed that i can;t work... my colleague advise me to speak to my HR manager tomorrow... and YES... i gonna do it... shit him!!! dun try to play with me...
today work from 2pm all the work to wee morning 5am... setup again... damn!!
but luckily i on leave till sunday from tomorrow... yeah!!!
Gonna spend all these time with my granny...
Lord, pls watch over my ah ma... stop her sufferin...
I
scribbled at ;; 5:35 AM
Sunday, November 12, 2006
ended work at 6pm sharp... rush to tan tock seng for my granny... need to spend some time with her... as tomorrow i am unable to see her as mornin is work and evening... assisgnment thingy from sch... tat mean i can't see her tomorrow...
she is in bad state today... her feet and hands are badly swollen... and worse she is cryin. her tears keep swirling round her eyes... i can feel her pain... she feel asleep again... but was woken up when the nurse came and inject the antibiotic into her...
the pain is so intense that her eyes open up real large... and she is shakin.. it hurts me... it seem like she wan to scream but she can't... her tears keep drippin down her frail cheek... i keep sayin "ah ma" dun cry... i am here for you... but it still hurts me deep inside... i held her hand real tight for veri long... and sayin prayer to the lord.. guardian angel to stop her pain.. stop her suffering...
my mum cried also... seeing her in such pain really hurts me deeply... why must she suffer?
i dun understand... lord pls grant her the courage to fight on...
I
scribbled at ;; 11:32 PM
Saturday, November 11, 2006
"From infancy to death human life is surrounded by their (the angels) watchful care and intercession. Beside each believer stands an angel as protector and shepherd leading him to life. Already here on earth the Christian life shares by faith in the blessed company of angels and men united to God."
- from the Catechism of the Catholic Church; 336.
blogging realli help me to relieve myself...esp during these tough period. today is sat le.. ah ma still in hospital... her blood pressure drop to 92... and her wound is still not healing.. is due to her white blood cell is attackin her red blood cell... so tat why her wound is still the same...
her feet is swollen still... everyday i see her... the doc will change a new spot for her injection spot for the antibiotic feedin... cause her skin cannot take the needle more than one day... after one day the needle is in.. it will swelt. why must she suffer in such manner... i veri grateful to my maid margie... all these while.. she been takin good care for my ah ma... as i workin... and cannot be for her 24/7... margie is the one just like guardian angel send down to take care of ah ma...
doc took some blood for test today... result still not out yet... my ah ma hates hospital... all the while she hated it... i can see the look in her eyes tat she loath it... but please forgive us... we need to help you...
watched a korean movie last night at chU "the way home"... nice and touchin movie about grandchild and grandma... my aunt watched it too... my mum too... they liked it...
hope tat my granny can pull thru this period... hope for a miracle...
exam today... pretty tough... stayed back after exam for group work... head to hospital at around 5 plus... my ah ma is sleepin... i called her and she slightly moved...i held her hand with mixed feelings... left around 8pm... visitin hour over... kissed her forehead and leave in a heavy hearted manner always...
gotta be strong... jia you... and jia you...
Angel of God,my guardian dear,To whom God's lovecommits me here,Ever this day,be at my side,To light and guard,Rule and guide.
Amen.
I
scribbled at ;; 11:00 PM
Thursday, November 09, 2006
it's been 3 days already... ah ma condition is still the same... i last saw her is around 1pm plus.. went to see her before i start work... she look fragil... tired.. her toes are gettin black.. it hurts me as i see it... wheneven i saw her and feel like cryin.. i would strongly bite my lips and swollen as much tears as possible... no matter how sad i was... i will never cry infront of her at all...
Yesterday suppose to go for my consumber behaviour class but did not go as i would want to spend some time with my ah ma..went to SMA around 7pm... asked Jonas for the notes..he gave to me and even offered to give me his mobile nos if i got any doubt and also email him once i done the test... got no time to do at all last night.. tonight will rush all my sch stuffs finish.. my case study... mock test plus this sat exams.. dun know how long can i hang on... i could not even concentrate on my work at all... and worst of all... got a terrible migrane today... the pain is so intense that i nearly could not breathe... as i am allergic to panadol.. i really biting on to cont workin... i dun like to take mc as got lots of stuffs to do... and by depending on my staffs to do it.. they will not do it.. they will tell ya lots of excuses tomorrow that why they didn;t do it... better do all myself...
tryin to look for an assistant to help me but no suitable candidate yet... haix
i missed my ah ma terribly... like wat my mum said.. she is suffering cause of all her children wrong deed... and sad to say.. i felt that is true... my aunt offered to pay for her bills but called my mum last night and say she cannot as her husband fight with her and command her not to do so... wat biz is this son-in-law gotta do with her daughter wantin to pay her mum bills... all my mum husband are really useless ppl... except for my dad... only know how to drink... gamble...slack... my dad is the son-in-law that cared for my granny... gave her shelter.. food.. and us! the rest would only know how to ask for money from their wife...damn all men!!
Lord, please ease my granny pain... do not let her suffer and she has suffered long enough... she is tired...
I would like say thanks to all my frens who been concern about me lately esp Donna, Ginny, Davina, Marcus,Michelle... without all of ya.. i dun know if i be able to pull it thru during this period...
I
scribbled at ;; 7:56 PM
Dear Grandma,
You are someone that can’t be left behind
In my Heart, there a place for you
You always will surely shine
You taught me to be independent
You taught me to love my GOD
You taught me to RESPECT my parent
You taught me to care for my sibling
You taught me to bake my first cake
You taught me to speak my dialect
You taught me right from wrong and good from bad.When I realize how much I miss you,Thinking about you makes me sad
A Strong woman who rose up 8 lovely children
A Gentle woman who never yell even when I anger her
A Persistent woman who never stop yearning
A Caring woman who always pray for people near her
4 Years Gone Past….
I miss your lovely Smile
I miss your nagging
I miss your morning call
I miss your cooking
I miss your generosity
I miss your unconditional love to all of us
Even if everybody deceive you when you are unconscious
I know you will still forgive them
Cause they are your loved ones
For your sake, I forgive them for their mistakes
From day to day…
As you grow thinner and weaker from the harsh condition
I know you are a fighter and will always be till your very last breathe
From you… I learn to be Strong and Independent
As much as I love you, I never did confess.
I miss you... GrandMa
I
scribbled at ;; 11:21 AM
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
my ah ma condition is not gettin better... therefore decided to send her to hosipital today.. took urgent leave...called ambulance this mornin and send her in to check... come to think about it.. this is the fifth time i sat on the ambulance... and this might be my veri last time...
everthing seem fine on the surface but when the doc check... it not good...
the doc took a blood test in the afternoon around 4pm... i was worried that i did not take any food in the mornin till late evening... was very tired... mum ask me to go home as i been there the whole day.. my dad bought me fried rice...
as i enter the empty house... i felt lost... dun know why...
had a slight nap... my mum woke me up at around 8plus... she told me to prepared for the worst as the blood result is out...
Doc said that her white blood cell is attackin her red blood cell... and her bed sore is due to ulcer... serious ulcer... and her days is numbered...
i am lost... totally lost.. my mum called all of her sibling and my cousin to come to visit her... as the chances will be slim...
she gettin thinner and thinner... though she can;t communicate... but i can feel her pain as i see her... everytime i see her.. hold her... my tears will start to form...
how long? tat's the question i been avoiding... she is very close to me... even closer than my mum.. took care of me since young... share all my secret with her... only listen to her...
i can;t write anymore... i already cryin when i start to think about it...
"And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up. If he has sinned, he will be forgiven. Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective."
James 5:15-16
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scribbled at ;; 9:12 PM
Monday, November 06, 2006
GOONG - 1.5 Special Edited Clip( Eng Subbed)
special edition of Goong... real cool and funny! Shin Goon....
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scribbled at ;; 4:05 AM
Friday, November 03, 2006
oh gosh... though i been on leave these past few days... but i can tell you no single peace at all... phone keep ringing for PO... promotion proposal, delivery cock up la... hey people... i need a break... can't you all settle yourself!!! reall cari angry!!!
been busy doing my case study project... finally done!!! plus these few days my granny been not feelin well... on the verge of thinkin to send her to hospital or not... her skin actually swell and rot.. due to her gettin thinner and thinner... her skin condition is gettin worse... her one part of her butt swell and rot plus her ankle and her hand... it pains me... my mum was thinkin for the worse le... she say it might not be tat long le... she might leave soon...
i dun know if she talkin nosense or not... but my tears start to gather around my eyes as she cont talkin... she ask me to buy my granny a pair of nice pearl earing for her so that when she gonna leave this place, she leave in a pretty state... haix
last night... my maid and my aunt suddendly my granny eyes flipped up.... my maid rushed over and could not carry her as though is somebody pressing my granny weight down... look like her guardian angel is comin for her soon... she is suffering... though we all not willin to let go of her... but at the state she is sufferin... it pain me so much... to let go or not...
Guardian Angel... Pls give me an answer... tat my biggest fear.. wish i could stay by her side.. she afraid of being alone... if she gone one day... guardian angel, pls guide and help her and talk to her!!!
before tat... actually went to donna place an chill out... went to sengkang to buy a swimming float for my granny for her swelll butt... Francis is lookin like a shaolin kid nowaday... so chubby!!
bought some waffle for her other 2 princess... stay around 7.30pm... went back home and study le...
back to work tomorrow... sianz... back to reality!!!
I
scribbled at ;; 5:28 PM